Hey Boris, I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch, but I see you’ve been getting into a bit of bother lately with all of this Prime Ministery stuff. I’m still amazed that all of your old school chums pulled this prank on you, to shoe you in as Prime Minister just when your career as a human scarecrow and TV personality was taking off. All of your education, your outstanding qualifications, your careful avoidance of any form of displaying integrity, your serial womanising and fathering of numerous children, your natural ability to tell porkies, and indulge in endless form of jiggery pokery and corruption; all of these qualities were hardly suited to being top man in the HoP were they? But I’m sure your chums knew that. What a world class prank, eh?
But what I was really wondering was whether anybody took you aside when you were just a lad and explain that actions speak louder than words? All of that testiculation (waving your arms about and talking bollocks) is fine for the TV shows, but it doesn’t really hack it when all of us regular guys expect some serious Prime ministerial action in resolving those little matters that we tend to worry about. You know the things I mean; austerity, Brexit, pandemics, terrorism, wars, and climate change – all of that annoying stuff. Anyway, it seems as if, with any luck, you’ll soon be able to get back to being the National Scarecrow and resume your media career. By the way, I thought your guest appearance in Line of Duty was brilliant – it really showed what a talent you have. Well done.
PS. If you’re ever round my way, I can recommend a good hairdresser.