Boris’ Adventures in Wonderland

By | December 23, 2020

Boris’ Adventures in Wonderland (commonly shortened to Boris in Wonderland) is a modern tale that tells of an idle, flippant and complacent being who fell through a rabbit hole into a subterranean fantasy world populated by peculiar, populist and nonsensical creatures.


Chapter One – Down the Rabbit Hole:

Boris, a dishevelled layabout in an ill-fitting Oxfam suit, accidently stumbled down a rabbit hole, and crashed into a locked door.  Thinking this was the entrance to the mystical garden bridge that never was, he ordered the door to open and cycled into the vanity project on the other side.

Chapter Two – The Pool of Tears

Once in the garden, Boris met a mouse, called Theresa, who he thought may have been French, and talked to her in elementary French “Où est ma chatte?“, whilst waving a smoked kipper during a rant about “pointless, expensive, environmentally damaging” EU regulations, claiming that Brussels bureaucracy had “massively” increased costs for fish suppliers because of rules saying that their products must be transported in ice.  Theresa the mouse ran away.

Chapter Three – The Caucus Race and a Long Tale

Boris and the other animals congregated in Westminster for a team building exercise, devoted to developing wishful thinking strategies for dealing with national crises. Dominic the Dodo proposed that the best approach would be to hold a Caucus-Race, which would require everyone to drive for hundreds of miles, making several U-turns, to test their eyesight.

Chapter Four – The Rabbit Sends a Little Bill

A white rabbit suddenly appeared, searching for evidence of favourable treatment, electrifying encounters or avalanches of passion with Jennifer the Duck. Unfortunately, the rabbit mistook Boris for the footman and sent him to go and find the missing evidence, which was a big mistake.   However, during the search, Boris found a cake instead, and eat it all, and became obese. 

Chapter Five – Advice from a Caterpillar

Boris then came across a large mushroom with a blue caterpillar called Alok, sitting on top of it, smoking a hookah.  Boris declared that he was a cool dude, and he asked to have some of what the caterpillar was smoking. He later apologised profusely and confessed his inability to remember anything he had asked for.

Chapter Six – Pig and Pepper

Boris then had a perplexing conversation with a frog before letting himself into the Duchesses house. Once inside, he found the Duchess’s cook throwing dishes around and making soup that had too much pepper in it. This caused Boris to sneeze violently, and to be tested positive for the coronavirus.  After self-isolating, Boris was handed the baby by the Duchess and to his surprise, the baby turned into a pig. A Cheshire Cat called Gove suddenly appeared in a tree and directed Boris to the house of Gavin, the March Hare, for a tea party.

Chapter Seven – A Mad Tea-Party

Boris was an unwelcome guest at a “mad” tea party, along with the March Hare and the Mad Hatter.  Matt the Dormouse, kept falling asleep only to be violently awakened by the March Hare and the Mad Hatter who then gave Boris many riddles and stories to solve, including how shall we deal with Coronavirus, how shall we deal with Brexit, what shall we do about illegal immigration, what shall we do about climate change, how many children do you have, and so on. But Boris got bored.

Chapter Eight – The Queen’s Croquet Ground

Boris left the tea party and headed for the croquet ground where he came across three playing cards busy painting political ‘Get Brexit Done’ slogans on white roses.  Queen Priti, a figure difficult to please, introduced her signature phrase “Off with his head!” which she regularly uttered at the slightest dissatisfaction with any of her subjects.  Boris was invited to play a game of croquet with the Queen and the rest of her subjects, behind closed doors, but the game quickly descended into chaos. They were using Illegal immigrants as mallets and discarded face masks as balls.   Boris was in the same team as Gove the Cheshire Cat, the team that happened to be winning, much to the displeassure of the Queen of Hearts who then ordered the Cheshire Cat to be beheaded.

Chapter Nine – The Mock Turtle’s Story

Carrie, the Duchess was brought to the croquet ground at Boris’ request. However, the Queen of Hearts declared that Boris was hers, and dismissed the Duchess on the threat of execution.  Jeremy, the Mock Turtle had become very sad, sought counselling, and decided to tell his depressing story about how he used to be a real turtle in the cabinet, but Grant the Gryphon interrupted and told him to go away so that they could continue to play their game.

Chapter Ten – Lobster Quadrille

The Mock Turtle and the Gryphon performed the Lobster Quadrille dance, gangnam style, while Boris was busy reciting part of a colonial-era Rudyard Kipling poem to visiting Myanmar dignitaries. The Mock Turtle then sang an emotional rendition of “Beautiful Soup” but was interrupted by the Gryphon dragging Boris away as a witness in the impending trial of, Rishi, the Knave of Hearts who had been charged with stealing the Queen’s tarts.

Chapter Eleven – Who Stole the Tarts?

Boris attended the trial knowing that Rishi was innocent, as it was he, Boris, who had had his way with the Queen’s tarts. The jury was composed of various animals.  The White Rabbit was the court’s trumpeter, and the judge was Jacob, the slouching King of Hearts.  Matt the Dormouse suddenly awoke and interrupted proceedings to scold Boris for having no right to grow fat and take up all the air. Boris scoffed at this, and called the dormouse’s accusation piffle because he was a wealthy person and was entitled to do what he wanted. 

Chapter Twelve – Boris’ Evidence

Boris was called as a witness and sworn in to tell lies, whole lies, and nothing but lies. However, the King and Queen ordered Boris to be gone, citing Rule 42 (“All obese persons are to leave the court”), but Boris disputed their judgement and refused to leave. He argued with the King and Queen of Hearts over the ridiculous proceedings, eventually refusing to hold his tongue, prattling on forever that “It’s not that I was the one who stole the tarts in the first place”. His statement was correctly judged as a lie, and the Queen declared that Boris was therefore found guilty of stealing the tarts and issued with the sentence: “Off with his head!”.

The end.

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